The holidays are upon us and for many it can be a time of mixed emotions. Family and festivities can bring no-so-festive feelings, stress, drama, outspoken uncle Joe. Gatherings that include a loved one living with dementia can add an additional layer of emotions – but it is up to us as caregivers and family members to create an environment that promotes either meaningful connection or confusion and chaos. In an episode of TED radio hour, How to be Better, Priya Parker discusses how to have better, more meaningful get-togethers, including: 1. embrace a specific purpose, 2. cause good controversy and 3. create a temporary alternative world through the use of pop-up rules. I highly recommend listening to this episode or her TED talk to get a better understanding of this, but as I was listening to it, I wondered how these steps can be applied to family gatherings with dementia on board. Step one especially stood out to me as Priya said, “people often assume the purpose is obvious”. The obvious assumption behind the purpose of holiday get-togethers is, well, to be together and spend time with family and friends.
Dig deeper.
With dementia in the picture, the more specific purpose of a holiday gathering may be more focused on the loved one living with dementia and how to help them have an enjoyable time. It may be to manage their mood at a time when there may be more activity and stimulation than they are used to and planning ahead to make sure their needs are met so that the time spent with family can be better cherished. Maybe it’s to give that person the gift of experiencing love and joy with people who care. This might look like putting a sign up on the doorbell to let people know to come on in instead of ringing the doorbell because the doorbell startles your loved one, or it may be sending out a short email to everyone with tips on how to engage with them without questioning or correcting.
Step two for having meaningful get-togethers is to cause good controversy. Although not necessarily something to be debated, this might look like educating visitors on avoiding correcting the loved one living with dementia. Our natural instinct when someone makes a false statement is to correct them because our society and culture values honesty, but this can lead to more confusion and agitation for the person with dementia. Rather than being right, focus on being kind. If Great Aunt Margaret says that her father lives in Texas when you know that he has long passed, maybe respond with an opportunity for her to reminisce: “Your father lives in Texas? I hear they have the best BBQ. I wonder if you two ever visited Lockhart for their BBQ.”
Step three: create a temporary alternative world through the use of pop-up rules. In Priya’s TED talk, I loved her example of the rule at a team dinner where whoever looks at their phone first foots the bill. The purpose behind these pop-up rules is to build connection through temporarily changing and harmonizing our behavior. So, with dementia in mind, pop-up rules might look something like: Answer grandpa’s questions with a smile as if it’s the first time he asked, every single time. Share a story or special memory with grandma when you see her pacing and wringing her hands. Every time you speak to Great Aunt Margaret, you must face her and make positive eye contact.
What are some ways you can make holiday gatherings that are influenced by dementia more meaningful? I would love to hear your ideas.
