My oldest daughter got married on March 13th, just four weeks ago. The day of her lovely wedding, Corona Virus was just a hint. By the time we all flew home 2 days later, the airports were eerily empty and our country was showing signs of shutting down.
While on her honeymoon, she learned that the company with whom she’d interviewed for her first professional job had put their hiring on hold because of Covid-19. Now a month later, she and her new husband are adjusting to life together….REALLY together….in their small apartment. And my daughter is being very brave to weather the uncertainties of this season of her young life.
And try as I might, there are just days when I have not been able to make her happy.
But today, she told me she’d made a decision. She wasn’t going to watch the news, and she wasn’t going to apply for any more part-time jobs (she’s applied for countless jobs in her hard-hit state under strict lockdown) because it was making her discouraged and frustrated.
She has, therefore, changed her mind. She’s used her memories of the recent past and her memory skills (“We have money in the bank”. “We have families that love us”. “That company expressed their desire to hire me”. “I have a good college degree”, etc.) and her rational thought (“I am going to decide to be happy because I’ve been through hard things before”. “I’m going to be ok”. “We’re going to be ok”. “This is temporary”. “We’ll learn and grow from this”, etc.) to change her mind about her current situation. A situation that was feeling very uncertain, and in which she’s been feeling very insecure. And her mood, well it’s been nearly impenetrable.
But today I took a deep Mama Bear breath. I knew that because she had determined to change her mind, that she could now enjoy well-being and happiness…in spite of the circumstances. We both laughed a little easier and smiled a little more for the rest of our Facetime conversation.
I’ve reflected since then on what it’s like for our folks with dementia. Their world, with failing memory skills and worsening loss of rational thought, must feel incredibly insecure and uncertain. And so it’s no wonder that many of our folks with dementia rarely seem to be happy or have well-being.
And it hit home with my real-life Mama-Bear application of what I’m working toward, and helping families and professionals understand: that our folks with dementia, because of the changes caused by dementia, simply cannot change their minds.
If they are feeling uncertain or insecure, they are left feeling that way because their brains now no longer have the skills to decide to feel or think a different way.
If they wake up and see the news about people dying and our nation’s economy crashing because of Covid-19, their mood will likely become something other than positive. And they are left with those feelings of unease and negativity. Because without memory skills and rational thought, they cannot change their mood.
Gosh did it hit me in the heart to a deeper level about the responsibility, then, that those of us with healthy brains have to create an environment so that our folks with dementia feel positive, secure, more certain, and that it’s going to be ok.
And that unless we manage their environment to create positive mood and security, they cannot enjoy the happiness and well-being that comes with feeling that all is well, that all will be well.
I’m so grateful for the DAWN Method, because it brought objectivity to what I intuitively knew was working with my friends with dementia. And the DAWN method provides practical tools that have given me the words to teach others how to get dementia right, so there are more of us getting dementia right.
So when my companions with dementia are in a place of uncertainty, insecurity, or negative mood, I can bring comfort, security, and positive mood to their experience by using tools that work. Tools that support the skills they’re losing and build on the skills they still have.
It’s beautiful, really. As I help their environment be one that lets them know that all is well, we enjoy beauty, happiness, and the real richness of life…together. I am blessed at least as much as they are.
And my daughter; well, she’ll be okay. She’s strong and she knows how to use her mind to change her mind. She’s blessed.
Grateful,
Jill
