I made a big mistake with one of my companions with dementia recently.  I made a decision that left them feeling uncomfortable, and insecure in my presence.  It wasn’t obvious at first, but their responses later in the week made it clear that my decision had eroded trust.

It’s not the first time I’ve made mistakes when providing dementia care.  It’s always my goal to bring love and respect, support and compassionate care, for the folks in my care.  But sometimes I underestimate or overestimate or misjudge and end up with someone who is not comfortable.

I was sharing with my Dad how bad I was feeling for my mistake.  He’s a man of quiet wisdom, so I know to listen up when he shares.  His comment was, “That’s why they put erasers at the end of pencils.”

I knew what he meant.  And I took it to heart: that we will make mistakes, and that when we do, we can try to fix the mistake, to make it right, and to learn.  And that maybe mistakes really are not the end of the world but are instead part of the learning and growing of life.  

But it caused me to reflect on the reality that dementia care requires grace.  That dementia care is challenging.  For family care partners especially, dementia care comes with a complex package of history, relationship, grief, loss, holding onto hope, family dynamics, unpredictability, uncertainty, and more; never mind the need to learn dementia in order to get dementia care right.  

Cyndy Luzinski and I, when we teach the Family Care Partner classes (https://dementiafriendlycommunitiesnoco.org/living-with-dementia/programs-activities/for-care-partners/) talk about the need for family care partners to extend grace to themselves as they care for their loved ones with dementia.  And to remember that it’s ok when there’s an “Uh-oh! moment”, because those moments can become “Ah-ha!” moments, where we learn what to do differently in the future.  

So, I’m going to try to take my own advice.  To give myself grace, while I learn and grow from my mistake, and remember that my heart was in the right place. 

Care partners, please hear me.  As you are with your loved ones with dementia throughout the many moments of the days, please do what you can to learn dementia, get yourself support and help, but please take lots of deep breaths.  Your job is a noble one, and a demanding one; a high calling to self-sacrifice and investment in another’s well-being.  And you simply won’t always know the right answer, the right response, the right way to help.

We don’t always know either, but we keep striving to know better and care better, and to stay true to our goal of bringing love and respect, compassion and care.  And we will give you loads of grace, because we know it’s required.  We are with you in this journey that happens to include dementia.  We’re all doing our best.  

With you,

Jill

©Jill Couch, MS, OT/L