Dire Straits.  Many will remember the British rock band by that name that became popular in the late 1970’s.  Others will be familiar with the term “dire straits” and know not only that it means “extreme distress”, but also know what it feels like to be in dire straits.  That level of distress is often what it takes for most of us to ask for help.  We are an independent, capable people.  And that’s good…until the day comes when we truly need help.  

For folks who are living in their seventh decade and beyond, they have been making their own decisions about life for longer than I have been alive. And this fact is critically important for me, and anyone who aims to care for folks who are older, to keep in mind as we become partners in their care.

It becomes imperative, then, that our approach be one of “caregiving by stealth”.  Caregiving by stealth is the right way for us to love and support our elders and our folks living with dementia, because it is how we preserve their dignity, their sense of independence, and their sense of continuing ownership of the life they possess.  

So what is caregiving by stealth?  Well, it’s the process of determining what support and help a person needs and building that support and help “behind the scenes”.  It’s creating a scenario where folks get the help and support they need from a “back-door-approach” versus the head-on approach of “you are failing in your skills and you need help and I’m here to help you.”  

Our older folks often have enough loss to deal with without being reminded that they are also losing the ability to make their own decisions and care for themselves.  Thus, caregiving by stealth.

I recently had the privilege of being a guest on the Beyond Driving with Dignity podcast show and was able to introduce this topic in relation to the sensitive issue of driving as we age.  My observation is that the most important aspect of working with older drivers is beginning early to set up caregiving by stealth supports that help ease their transition to the passenger seat when that transition becomes the best idea; supports that make giving up driving not all bad.

This approach of caregiving by stealth is absolutely imperative with folks who are living with dementia, because most of our folks with dementia are not aware of how cognitive change is impacting their ability to see their abilities correctly, and their ability to care for themselves.

It makes perfect sense, then, that if a person with dementia is not able to understand that they have diminishing cognitive skills, then they will also not understand that they need help.  In fact, they will be outright offended and indignant, or become anxious or depressed, when help is forced upon them.

Caregiving by stealth is what we do best at Better People Care.  And it is really special.  The result is that older folks get to preserve their sense of life and sense of self…while they get the help they may desperately need.  

Be in touch if you or your loved one would be blessed by the “caregiving by stealth approach to helping older folks live fully in their own homes”.

Grateful,

Jill

©Jill Couch, MS, OT/L