My mood becomes their mood.  Because of the diminishing ability to analyze, interpret, and decide what to do about information in the environment, my companions with dementia become “victim” to whatever mood I bring to their doorstep; whatever mood I possess during our time together.

If I show up and bring with me my concern for what is going on in my life, my companion with dementia will quickly sense the vibe of my concern and soon they will be concerned too, with limited ability to figure out why they are concerned or how to change their mood.

If my mood is hurried, or rushed, because let’s say we have a doctor’s appointment to get to, my companion with dementia will sense my mood of hurried and rushed, and chances are good that we will not get out of the house at all, because soon my companion will be upset and probably even angry.  

People often comment about how people with dementia are so angry or become so angry; but as you hopefully see in the simple scenarios above, the fault for the negative mood for my companion with dementia is often mine…because my negative (or concerned, or worried, or guilty, or frustrated, etc.) mood became their negative mood.  

The DAWN Method has it right, that the first step (and the first tool of the DAWN Method) in dementia care done right is “mood management”, and that mood management is up to us, those of us with brains not impacted by dementia.

I encourage every family I train, each family for whom our team is providing dementia-specialist care and respite, and each of my team members, to tap into their calm and peaceable selves.  Meaning, if I am calm and peaceable (the definitions above from Merriam Webster say it so well), then my companion with dementia is more likely to be calm and peaceable.   

So, what does this look like?  It means that I slow down my own thoughts.  In fact, I put my own thoughts aside, and reside in the moment, alongside my companion with dementia.  It means that I sit down, so that I am on the same level as them.  It means that I slow down my speech, and I speak louder so they can clearly hear me.  I articulate my words more distinctly.  I patiently allow them the time and space to talk, and share whatever it is they wish to share, even if it does not make much sense.  I do not correct them or contradict them if they get any facts wrong when they speak (does it really matter if it was Uncle John versus Uncle Bob anyway?) .

My facial expressions match my mood of calm and peaceable.  My brow is not furrowed.  My forehead is not raised.  I have a gentle smile.

My tone of voice is happy and unconcerned, never condescending, never frustrated….even if they have just asked me the same question they asked forty seconds ago. (The DAWN Method will teach you how to manage repetitive questions).  My voice and my face show them that I am sincerely interested in their stories, even the stories they tell over and over, because I understand that they are doing their best, and sharing their stories matters to them.

Mood management is up to us; up to those of us with healthy brains, who have the privilege of spending time with people living with dementia.

The truly fascinating part about mood management is that when we get in touch with our calm, peaceable selves, we learn how to become more calm and more peaceable ourselves.  I tell people often, when you get good at this (dementia care done right…the DAWN Method way), it will change your life.

Growing and learning,

Jill

P.S.  If you are thinking, “my companion’s mood is lousy and their lousy mood had nothing to do with me”, take heart, we can still manage their mood.  We can help them reset their mood to one of calm and peaceable.  Stay tuned; we will discuss this in our blog posts soon.  

And to the 24/7/365 caregivers out there: you may consider this idea of mood management impossible, because you are persistently “fried” in your job as caregiver.  We hear you, and we see you.  And we are here to teach you the DAWN Method to make your life easier, and support you on the journey.  And, our team is here to give you a break.  It’s the 50/50 of dementia care.  We’ll blog on that more later. 

©Jill Couch