Have you ever tried to help your loved one with dementia make sense of their finances? Ever tried to get them to see why they should stop driving? Tried to help them understand and accept why they need help in their home, with their home, and with managing their day-to-day?
I spoke with a woman the other day. She is the primary caregiver for her mother, who has dementia. She shared the frustration and never-ending loop of trying to help her mom understand her bank accounts. She was exasperated, and so was her mom.
We, humans, live in a world that requires and expects rational thinking. Specifically, a world where the ability to compare and contrast, sequence, prioritize, problem solve, analyze and interpret information, and use good judgment to make good decisions; are the skills that make us uniquely human and set apart from animals.
But when dementia begins to change the brain, these rational thinking skills are one of the skills that begin to change. This means that our ability to compare and contrast, sequence, prioritize, problem solve, analyze and interpret information, and use good judgment to make good decisions begins to diminish.
And no amount of prodding or encouraging or demanding that someone enlist those skills will make a person with dementia be able to do so. But all of that prodding, encouraging, demanding, and exasperated tone of voice will certainly get a response from folks with dementia; a response that will likely be no fun.
In fact, the way WE respond to their diminishing ability to use rational thinking skills (as well as the other primary cognitive skills that are lost with dementia) is the key to how the person with dementia fares. So, it is imperative that we understand that these skills are changing, being lost, and there is nothing we can do to bring them back.
But what we can do is accept the progressive loss of these skills, support the loss of these skills (in a dementia supportive way…please reach out if you are needing help in knowing how to do this), and relax into what is become the reality for the person with dementia…a reality that is increasingly divergent from ours….not because they are choosing a different reality, but because their brain is failing.
Take a big, deep breath, and realize that no amount of rationalizing, explaining, or demanding they understand is going to work when rational thinking skills are fading. So, stop that fight. Stop trying to rationalize with someone who is losing the ability to rationalize. Replace the fight with dementia supportive strategies (the seven tools of the DAWN Method) that will transform your interactions and keep the peace between you and your loved one with dementia.
I had to learn this, too. There was a day when as a well-intentioned, naturally kind, and intuitive Occupational Therapist, I was trying to help people with dementia use the rational thinking skills they no longer had. Then I learned the DAWN Method. Now, my companions with dementia are comfortable (which means their anxiety is low and so their brain functions at its best)…and so am I. Phew!
Ever grateful for a better way,
Jill
©Jill Couch
