There are many times in conversation when we say the word “no.” We are a fact-based, reality-oriented society, after all, so it is natural to say “no” when we need to correct someone or bring pure facts into our conversation.
But the word “no” can become a barrier to a peaceable relationship when one of us has dementia. You see, people with dementia are losing the very skills that help them remain connected to our fact-based, reality-oriented experience of the world.
With diminishing memory skills, they lose the ability to remember details such as whether or not their father is alive. And when they ask us if Dad is still alive, it is tempting to say, “No, he died years ago.” And while that is true, the word “no” can feel like a barrier, a factual response to a question that often comes because there is an emotional need to feel connected to Dad.
Because of diminishing rational thinking skills, it becomes harder for folks with dementia to analyze and interpret why we responded with the word “no,” which may bring them additional confusion, frustration, or anxiety.
So, instead of “no,” try using the word “oh.” I have found that when one of my companions with dementia asks a question where I am tempted to respond with “no” if I pause briefly and begin answering with “oh”, I keep my response more positive, and it gives me a moment to then continue my response with the rest of the facts.
If my companion asks, “Is my father still living?” I pause briefly and say, “oh….I heard your sister tell us that your father passed away about ten years ago.” I have answered my companion’s question, but I have kept the tone of our conversation positive.
If my companion is about to do something that I know is not a good idea (but because of diminishing rational thinking skills they are not able to understand that it is a bad idea), and we respond with “no,” we will 99.9% of the time get a negative response from our companion, and we have caused them additional confusion, frustration, anxiety, and often anger.
So instead of “no” to their suggestion, pause and say “oh,” then proceed with a more positive response. For example, they suggest we go for a walk outside when it is -5 degrees. Pause, then say “oh…yes a walk sounds great, how about if we go walk at the mall where we can have our favorite lemonade too.” My experience is that when we say “no,” it gives my companion with dementia more motivation to exert their independence, and then we have conflict. Yes, I have experienced this, and I have learned that saying “oh” versus “no” keeps us both more comfortable.
As you try using the word “oh” versus the word “no,” I think you will find your own mood stays more positive, and that you are connecting with your loved ones in a more intuitive, heartfelt manner.
Try it out, and please let me know what you discover.
Learning alongside,
Jill ©Jill Couch
