If you have read my blog posts for a while, you know that I wonder, and I ponder sometimes. I wonder while I spend time with those living with dementia. I ponder about society and how we are doing with caring for our elders. I wonder about our society’s thoughts about life, living, end of life, and end of living.
A few end-of-life experts have expressed dislike for the way we talk about someone’s death. Words such as “they died after a hard-fought battle with cancer.” Or, “they lost their battle to this or that disease.” I have pondered their dislike for that language of the fight and the battle, but now I think I may understand.
I am not convinced that our focus on “fighting to save life” is helping us as a society. In dementia, I see this “fight” demonstrated by families following trends to “reverse dementia”, spending money and emotional energy to save the life of their loved one. Persisting with doctor visits, medications, procedures, and all things medical to save a life. I understand that, but I have yet to see any of these efforts help the person living with dementia or their family. You see, the “fight” to save “life” may instead result in loss of life, because as we are desperate to save it, we may be missing the beauty of the life that is right in front of us.
When we learn how to relax into dementia (I doubt this can happen without the knowledge learned in the DAWN Method), we take a deep breath and shift our focus from saving physical life to saving the quality, meaning, and value of life. We focus on the preciousness of the time we share with our loved ones with dementia.
This allows us to begin to see the end of life as part of life and release our grip on preserving the length of life just a bit. To allow death to become part of the process of life takes a whopping dose of courage and understanding. And to allow death to become an equally meaningful part of a person’s life…well, maybe we could all breathe a bit deeper, a bit sweeter with this frame of mind?
Please hear me…I hate death. But as I walk toward the end of life with someone I love, I am reminded that there is no tragic ending to his story. I am reflecting on his life and all that he has given to our family. I am getting to know him as I never have before because dementia is making the reality of who he really is more obvious.
My dad, because of the issues causing the symptoms of dementia, is unable to fight against what is changing in his brain. And while I do not want to not have him in this life, I am going to love him for who he is and how he is, period. I want to help him feel like he can just simply “live”, without the pressure to “fight to live.” Because if I focus on the fight, I will miss him for who he truly is.
Relaxing into life, relaxing into the end of life. Maybe in this way, we will save some of life. I am sure going to try.
Grateful,
Jill
©Jill Couch
