He was dignified, intelligent, personable, and had an easy laugh. Yes, he was having a harder time remembering and doing some of the simple tasks of life that were once very easy. But with the right kind of dementia-understanding, dementia-supportive help (The DAWN Method), he retained his personality… dignity… intelligence… personable ways, and easy laugh.
He enjoyed visiting and talking about his work as an engineer and the many places he and his family lived. He also enjoyed sharing about the retirement years he and his wife spent living in a lovely place, where he became a proficient golfer and lived through a couple of frightening hurricanes.
He enjoyed reading the Wall Street Journal while sipping his morning coffee. When dementia meant that he had a hard time comprehending what he was reading, he enjoyed having his dementia-supportive friend read with him, or he just enjoyed looking through the paper because it felt normal, felt like he was still the same dignified, capable man he remembered being.
His face brightened when we spoke about his children or when one of them came for a visit. His grandchildren clearly brought him joy and happiness.
What was readily apparent was the love story he shared with his wife: a deep and impenetrable love with a marriage that was well into its seventy-third year. What was incredible is that they lived together in their own home until the final hours of his life, when inpatient hospice became necessary to help him be comfortable.
His wife’s tenacity and fortitude kept them at home. And the tenacity and fortitude of their daughters, who withstood shame and lack of support from the medical community, who did not understand how it could be possible for people like them to live at home, alone, with minimal care.
Much of the medical community has yet to embrace the dignity of risk, the reality that life inherently includes risk and that in order to live fully, there will be risk. Our friend and his wife understood this reality of risk, and they chose to live their version of a full life… in their own home.
Our friend will be missed. We benefitted from knowing him and spending time with him. And we are grateful that we could walk alongside his wife and daughters as we tenaciously preserved his right to live his way and pass from this life his way.
