My good friends and I (they happen to be 91- and 97-year-old women who do not have dementia) have agreed that we either need to learn to keep our mouths shut, or we need to invest in duct tape.
Each of us are Moms of adults kids, you see, and each of us love our kids so dearly that we want to help them. Help them avoid trouble. Help them know happiness and success. Help them see before we did the pitfalls in life. And each of us struggle with keeping our mouths shut when we should. So we have determined to do a better job of keeping our mouths shut while sharing time with our kids. Or, we need to invest in duct tape.
It is evident that what our kids need most from us is our love and affirmation. Truth on occasion, yes, but only when we layer truth on top of a huge heap of consistent and secure love. And it seems that one of the ways we best demonstrate love is by listening well, by hearing well, by trusting them to make good decisions, and trusting that they will proceed well through life and learn as they grow.
This has caused me to reflect on how it is with my friends with dementia. I consistently see that they enjoy the most well-being when I am more quiet than not; quiet, while listening well. If they are still able to speak (dementia sometimes affects language skills and may render folks unable to speak well or much), folks with dementia regularly need to talk. They need to lament their grief and frustration. They need to share and process out loud the confusing reality in which they are living. They need to chat with a friend, a friend who uses dementia-friendly ways to create a sense of companionship.
And when they begin to speak, I need to close my mouth, open my ears, and open wide my heart. It is no longer my time to speak, and often I only get in a few words. I smile and nod a lot, and make comments like “wow”, and “how interesting”. And that is okay. This is what it takes for my friends with dementia to process out loud, to feel heard, and to feel like they have an ally in this life.
So, to the Moms of adult kids, and companions of folks living with dementia, take note: be quiet more often. When given a welcoming place in which to process out loud, people will often bring themselves to a place of being okay again. Our job is to listen well, and close our mouths more often. It is easier and less expensive than duct tape, after all.
With you in learning and growing,
Jill
©Jill Couch
A great reminder! Thanks.