She let us glimpse the feelings of a child growing up as an oilfield worker’s daughter. She let us hear about what it meant to “call for the newspaper,” which was how her young family had just a bit more money to live on. She showed us what it looks like to be wise with just a little money to build a solid future.
She let us see what a small-stature but mighty character looks like. “My rock,” her husband declared about her; it was clear that she had planned and organized their lives through a rich experience of family, friends, work, travel, and community.
She showed us what complete anosognosia looks like, and we saw a hint of her experience of the world while her brain could not comprehend her cognitive changes.
She determined early in life to “show ‘em” that she could, that she was of value, even though her sister and society gave her a different message.
She would point at me with her little bony finger and repeat what her strong mama had said, “You are as good as, and no better than.” That is a good message for all of us.
In our years of bringing her DAWN Dementia Specialist care, we skillfully and respectfully built the right kind of care, care that she would accept and come to value. It was a process, as anosognosia required delicate skill while we worked to preserve her strong sense of independence and autonomy.
I remember the first time she looked at me as I was about to leave her home, with tears in her eyes, and said, “I hope you know how special you are to us.” I didn’t need to hear her gratitude; I would have continued providing loving and respectful care regardless. But that moment let me know that we had gotten it right: she felt loved, she felt respected, and we were preserving her sense of self. What an honor.
She was a strong lady, and in her final years, while experiencing advancing dementia with complete anosognosia, we got to enjoy her at her best. That’s what happens when people with dementia get to live in a dementia-supportive environment: they get to be at their best.
We will carry her stories and her example with us. We will remember her strength, laughter, and look of surprise and mischief each time she told stories that included a four-letter word.
She was one of the good ones, and we are better for having lived just a bit of our lives in her world.
Rest in peace, friend. You showed ‘em!